Souveniers You Never Lose
by Nentikobe
Summary: Harry reflects upon his life at the end of his seventh year. A song fic based on 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Written long before HalfBlood Prince came out.


****

Author's note/Disclaimer: I'm putting everything I'm working on right now to write this. My Harry Potter fic, my Goo fic (which I've been working on for over a year now) and various unpublished works are all on hold. Why? Because I wanted to write this.

I was inspired to write this recently when Dena asked me if I still had a copy of Amy's fic "Jaded" on my computer. I did, so I emailed it to her because I guess Amy lost it. I then decided to read it again. I first read Amy's fic "Everything Breaks," which is a X-Files/GGD crossover. It's very good and a personal fave of mine. "Jaded" is very sad, but I read it anyway, for it is a beautiful piece of writing. It is an Aerosmith/GGD crossover, if you'd like to know. This song is used in the fic, in both fics, and it got me thinking.

"Name" is a beautiful song. Many people pass it off as just some little acoustic number that was written to bring GGD fame, fortune, and groupies. I don't think so. John Rzeznik is a very talented songwriter. If you sit down and listen to his lyrics, and I mean really listen, you can find a much deeper meaning than most people give Goo songs credit for. A lot deeper meaning than the vast majority of songs out there now.

What is "Name" about? This topic is in dispute. Some people say that it is about John Rzeznik himself. He was orphaned as a teenager and practically raised himself. This is reflected in the words, "And now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names." Others say it is an ode to his dead parents. This is evident in the line, "If it's lonely where you are, come back down," which could be taken to mean that he believes his parents to be in heaven, but he would like to have them come back down to Earth and be, well, normal parents. Others say he is writing this song about a particular person other than the aforementioned, which is evident in the line, "And I won't tell 'em your name." The entire song seems like it is being spoken to someone else.

The song could be about life itself. Growing up, trying to find yourself. "We don't belong to no one, that's a shame." Trying to find where you belong, trying to find your path.

I could go on forever about this song, but I doubt you want to hear it. This is a Harry Potter fic, damn it, but with a Goo-ish undertone.

To end this quickly, I'd like to say that I want to write a fic that might do the Goo Goo Dolls justice. One with meaning. One that is serious and deep (unlike my Goo fic that I'm working on). For it is by God (in my opinion) that Rachel P. and her sister canceled on Liz leaving two extra Goo tickets; one which went to her sister, and the other which went to me. For I do believe that if I had not gotten that ticket, I never would have become a fan, I wouldn't have their CD's and couldn't listen to their music, and in short, I'd probably be dead right now.

But why did I make this into a Harry Potter fic? I ask you, why not?

Here's the legal crap: I don't own this song, it belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. I don't own Harry Potter and related persons for they belong to J.K. Rowling. You know the rest. And if you don't, then there is no help for you.

This fic takes place at the end of Harry's seventh year. Some of the things mentioned haven't really happened in any the books, others have.

BTW, this is my first attempt at a song-fic. Just thought you should know…

**__**

"Souvenirs You Never Lose "

A Harry Potter song fic based on 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls

By: Nentikobe

Harry found himself wandering aimlessly through the hallways at Hogwarts. He wasn't sure where he was going, or what his purpose was. He was just…walking. 

_Walking is good_ he told himself in his head. Walking allowed him to be active when otherwise he'd just be sitting around. Sometimes walking cleared his thoughts. Sometimes it gave him new ones. He wasn't sure which he preferred. 

What walking did do, and he was certain that he preferred this, was that it allowed him to sort things out. New thoughts or no thoughts, nothing was okay if your mind was all messy and unsorted. 

Harry wrenched his mind backwards. Backward over memories that were both good and bad. He wanted to sum it all up. He wanted to make sure that he had actually succeeded. What did all that had happened to him these past seven years do to him? How was he affected? How was he different? How is he the same? Did it all have meaning, or was it all pointless?

On he walked… 

He found himself now sitting on the Hogwarts express; laughing, playing, just having a good time. He was buying candy off the lunch trolley; just happy that he finally had a friend he could share things with. He was practicing the disarming spell, and playing exploding snap, and gaping at a big, fat beetle that Hermione held captive in a jar. He was telling her and Ron about what had happened when he and Cedric had disappeared from the maze in the third task…

"Shouldn't have gone there," he told himself. But too late. His reveries about the train rides to and from school were now fading into images of dark hooded figures, piercing red eyes, and Cedric lying on the ground, dead.

Everyone had told him that it wasn't his fault…

**__**

And even though the moment passed me by,

I still can't turn away…

He had never stopped thinking about Cedric. About how his life was taken away so quickly and carelessly, about all the things he was looking forward to. Cedric was never a part of this. He was never even given a chance. 

**__**

'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose

Got tossed along the way

He remembered how everyone in school had become afraid of him in the days following Cedric's death. He hadn't minded at first, but he soon found that what he wanted, and what he needed, was for things to return to normal. He needed to move on and continue his life, but he wasn't being allowed to do that. So instead of healing, he only got worse. He would often times be left alone to drown in his own thoughts. He hadn't had the chance to forgive himself for what happened to Cedric.

And then there was Cho, who made things worse just by being, well, Cho. Whenever Harry saw her, he couldn't help wondering, though he himself had had a crush on her and he used to hate Cedric for this before he died, what went unsaid between them. Had Cedric ever told her that he loved her? Did he really? And did Cho do and feel the same? Did he ever get the chance to really tell her how he felt? Was he planning on breaking up with her? What? What could have happened if things had gone differently?

**__**

And letters that you never meant to send

Get lost or thrown away

Harry shook his head. That was too much of a mess. He had done his best to clean it up. He really had. He could now sometimes see Cho and not wonder. It was her, really, who pulled Harry out of the hole he had dug for himself by telling him that she did not blame him and, unlike the rest of the school, still looked upon Harry the same way that she always had. Her opinion of him had never changed, and the thought made Harry smile.

"Hey Harry!" a voice called.

Harry turned around. It was Neville Longbottom.

"Hey Neville. "

"Can you believe that in a few days we'll be leaving Hogwarts forever?"

"Hardly. It seems like just yesterday we were being sorted."

Neville looked down at his feet. "It's kind of scary. I'm still very undecided about what I'm going to do with my life."

"Same here," Harry replied.

"You…you'll do fine. But me…well," Neville started.

"You'll do fine, too, Neville," said Harry.

Neville looked up at him and smiled.

Harry remembered how shocked he was when he first found out exactly why Neville was raised by his grandmother. It was because Neville's parents had been tortured by Lord Voldemort's followers and had gone mad. Harry knew that he'd rather have his parents dead than insane. Insanity is worse than death.

But in a way, you're dead all the same…

**__**

And now we're grown up orphans

That never knew their names

Harry and Neville were fairly similar in this department. Harry had never known his parents, and Neville had only know his parents as insane, not the way that they used to be. They both had been raised by other relatives, but other relatives just aren't the same. Having parents gives you a sense of belonging; a sense of self. They gave you a place to live; a place to call home. 

**__**

We don't belong to no one

That's a shame

Parents. Family. Harry's most favorite family in the world was the Weasley family. They were dirt poor, but nicer than anyone else you could ever hope to meet. There was Ron, his best friend; Fred and George, Ron's older twin brothers; Percy, who was next oldest; and then there was Charlie, and Bill who was the oldest. Harry couldn't forget Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron's parents. Mrs. Weasley had been the very first woman in his life who seemed mother-like to him and made him feel like he was capable of being loved.

Then, of course, there was Ginny, the youngest and only girl of all the Weasley children. She was only a year younger than Harry and Ron. Ginny had been affected by the war in the worst way. It all started in Harry's second year. Ginny had been given a mysterious diary that talked back to her. Slowly, it began to control her and force her to do things against her will. This, in turn, had caused Voldemort, after he found out about it, to use Ginny to do his bidding. It was easier to take control of her than it was to take control of anyone else, the diary had seen to that. 

Fortunately, Harry was able save her, but just barely. Ginny was fine mentally and physically, but emotionally, she would never be the same. Harry did the best he could to help her, everyone did. He couldn't help but feel guilty about this as well. Another piece of luggage to be carried around in his mind. Ginny had been used against him, so he felt that he owed it to her to protect her and make sure that Voldemort never touched her again.

**__**

But if you could hide beside me

Maybe for a while

Harry remembered how Ginny had been afraid of expulsion during the whole diary ordeal. When asked to explain it all, Harry had tried to leave Ginny out, but that proved impossible. Luckily, Professor Dumbledore had believed that Ginny had not done it of her own free will.

**__**

And I won't tell no one your name

Everything had ended fairly well there. Ginny had become involved for reasons other than he, Harry tried telling himself. "Perhaps it is the truth," he said.

Harry decided that he'd walked long enough. It was time to sleep. Time to put everything down for the night. Yes. 

**__**

And I won't tell 'em your name

A few days seemed like a few minutes to Harry nowadays. He soon found himself riding the Hogwarts express for what would probably be his last time ever. He, Ron, and Hermione shared a compartment as usual. He had wanted to try to make this ride special. Perhaps walk around and see parts of it he'd never bothered to before. But what was the point of starting something new when everything is coming to an end? Harry decided that he'd try to make this train ride feel the same as any other train ride; as if he'd be returning to Hogwarts next fall.

Finally they arrived at Kings Cross Station. As they gathered their belongings and stood in line to go through the barrier out onto the muggle platform, Harry looked around. He looked at the first years who still had six years left. Then he looked at the sixth years who seemed thrilled at the prospect of only having one.

"So, to my house, then?" asked Ron.

"No, there's something I've got to do first. I'll meet you there later," Harry replied. 

"Want me to take your stuff for you?" Ron suggested.

"Sure," said Harry. He brought his things over to where Ron's parents were standing and left everything except his wand, his Firebolt, and his invisibility cloak. Then with a few good-byes to some of his fellow classmates, he set off.

Harry walked out of the station and down the street, keeping his eyes open for what he was looking for. Finally, he found it; a long, dark, alley. Harry quickly made his way down it and, after he made sure that there was no one around to see, he put on his invisibility cloak, hopped on his broomstick, and took off into the evening. 

His first stop was number 4, Privet Drive. He still had some items that he had left there last fall to collect from beneath the loose floorboard under his bed. He flew up to his bedroom window, opened it, and went inside. Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Dudley were all aghast to see Harry emerge from the room without warning. He quickly explained that he would only be there a few minutes. They left him alone, and he quickly went into the bathroom.

It occurred to Harry that this would probably be his last time at number 4 as well. "That's a lot of last times," he said.

As Harry was washing his hands, he looked up into the mirror at himself. He was seventeen, a full-fledged wizard now. He just graduated from school; he would be getting his apparition license in just a couple of weeks. It was like he was starting a new life.

But there was one thing that would always stay the same. Harry pushed back his bangs and there, still as visible as ever, was the lightning-shaped scar he'd had since he was a baby.

**__**

Scars are souvenirs you never lose

The past is never far

Yes, Harry would always be the boy who lived. The only one to have ever survived the Avada Kedavra curse. People's eyes would always flash to his forehead upon meeting him. Harry looked at his arms. He rubbed his skin and thought about what had saved him from the curse; his mother's loving sacrifice.

Harry left the Dursley's house, never to return. He flew over Great Britain on his trusty Firebolt, wearing his invisibility cloak so as not to be seen. As he flew, his mind began to wander. 

It felt weird to be flying on his broomstick now. He'd only ever really flown it on the Quidditch field. Quidditch was a very popular wizard sport. He'd been seeker for the Gryffindor team. It was the one thing that Harry was truly proud of. It was something that he had earned through hard work and dedication, not just having it fall into his lap. Getting the position had fallen into his lap, but keeping it was another matter.

Harry hated being famous because of surviving Voldemort's attack as a baby. But being a star Quidditch player, now there was something he wouldn't mind being famous for.

**__**

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

Did you get to be a star?

Everything was changing. Harry thought that he must have been the only Hogwarts student who never wanted to graduate. But no worries. He had a place to live for the time being; Ron's house. The two of them would settle, sort out their priorities, then once Hermione joined them later on in the summer, they'd head out into the wizard world and try to live productive lives. 

Harry had often thought about this. How would he? He wasn't sure if he'd ever be treated normally by anyone, especially after what he had done in the war. Harry was very easygoing and laid back. He didn't want special attention; he just wanted to be treated like everyone else. This is what he had always wanted, but no one ever seemed to really care. No one paid attention to who he was. All they cared about was what he was.

**__**

And don't it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are

Something on the ground caught Harry's eye. He swooped low and saw that he had reached his destination. He landed, hopped off his broom, took off his cloak, and then hid them under a pine tree. He then walked up a path to a large iron gate and pushed it open. Inside could be seen rows and rows of headstones. Harry was in a cemetery. 

He walked along a path that lead under a patch of trees and down the middle of the graveyard, looking left and right in search of something. He stopped in front of a stone barring a familiar name. That name was Albus Dumbledore. It wasn't what he had been looking for, but Harry stood for a moment looking at it. 

Professor Dumbledore had been the headmaster at Hogwarts for many years. It was he who placed Harry on the Dursley's doorstep after his parents had been murdered. He was also one of the more supportive people that Harry knew. Professor Dumbledore had, on many occasions, given Harry advice, and let him get away with things that normally he wouldn't. Harry understood now as to why this was. It was so that Harry could be prepared for what was to come. He had had a lot to learn in a short time. Things that you would normally only expect from an adult wizard.

Harry then remembered the day that Dumbledore had died. He had come face to face with Voldemort for the first time in years. But Dumbledore had aged while Voldemort, thanks to the many spells and transformations he'd gone through, was as strong as ever. The Death Eaters had held Harry back, and all he could do was watch. He remembered how much rage and hatred he had felt towards Voldemort.

Dumbledore's last words to Harry were, "I think you are ready now." Harry had known what he meant. His mentor was gone, the one person whom he had thought could do anything, and he now had to take care of himself.

**__**

You grew up way too fast

And now there's nothing to believe

"Thanks, Professor," Harry said to the headstone. He then turned and continued walking along the path. 

Harry saw many, many names that he recognized. Among these were Suzan Bones, Colin Creevey, Rubeus Hagrid, Remus Lupin, and even Cedric Diggory himself. Harry kept on walking, but he couldn't stop the memories that flooded through his head.

**__**

And reruns all become our history

He remembered Suzan, a shy Huffelpuff girl that he never talked to. She had become an integral part of the resistance, much to his surprise. Then there was Colin who was a year younger than Harry was and looked upon him as if he were a god. Harry thought him annoying at first, but near the end, Colin had been all right. Then there was Hagrid. Hagrid had been the one who told Harry that he was a wizard. Hagrid was one of Harry's closest friends, and one of the hardest to loose. And of course, there was Professor Lupin. He had been the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher during Harry's third year. He was also a close friend of Harry's parents, and later, of Harry himself. 

**__**

A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

Finally, Harry came to one large headstone bearing two names near the middle of the cemetery. The names on the stone were James Potter and Lily Potter, Harry's parents. He knelt down between them and took his wand out from his pocket. Harry looked up into the sky. The moon had risen and all that was left of the sun were pink, orange, purple, and red streaks on the horizon. He then placed the tip of his wand where the stone and the ground met, and then whispered, "Luna flora familial."

Almost instantly, small flowers of various shapes, sizes, and colors began to grow. Harry stood up and looked down the path. Flowers were beginning to grow on some of the other graves as well; the graves of those he cared about who were lost to him. 

Harry knelt down again and spoke, "Life has gotten very hard, almost unbearable, but…thanks for keeping me alive." He got up to walk away, but quickly turned back around. For a second, he could swear that he almost saw their faces smiling at him. He then said, "Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone that I did this. This is one thing that I don't want credit for. It wouldn't be right."

**__**

And I won't tell no one your name

Harry turned and headed back down the path toward the gate. As he walked, he looked upon the graves of his friends and smiled. He could see their faces vividly in his mind, all smiling back at him, all thanking him, all understanding his request and promising not to tell.

**__**

And I won't tell 'em your name

Harry reached the gate and pushed it open. Right before he slipped outside, he turned and looked into the cemetery. There, where the trees and headstones started, stood his friends, teachers, and parents. Everyone whose graves had sprouted flowers were all smiling and waving at him. Harry smiled back and said, "I'll never forget you guys." 

**__**

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same

Harry walked out of the cemetery, trying very hard to fight back the tears that were beginning to swell in his eyes. It was over, all over. He wasn't sure if he liked it, but he knew he had to accept it, even if it meant living with an empty heart. 

**__**

If it's lonely where you are come back down

There was no getting them back now, and no use on dwelling. Harry took out his broom and cloak from under the pine tree, and then flew off into the night toward Ron's house.

**__**

And I won't tell 'em your name


End file.
